I suppose
I felt sorry for him. I could see him at school – the little
one at the back with hand-me-down clothes that didn’t fit,
with hair hanging down over his eyes as he stared out the window,
wondering if his Mum and Dad would ever stop rowing. I could see
him so clearly, almost as clearly as me. I was the little one at
the back, too, with my three sisters’ hand-me-down clothes,
which were always far too big, with my fringe falling in my face
and my eyes far away, thinking about Mum throwing last night’s
supper at Dad. I wasn’t pretty, clever, sporty or fun to be
with. I was the loner, too.
I could have turned out like him and taken childhood trauma into
my adult years. I didn’t. Perhaps it was my new Stepdad that
made all the difference, giving me extra tuition, or my eldest sister
trying out her newly acquired beautician skills on me. Maybe it
was going off to university or I like to think that a lot of it
was down to me.
Though when I saw him, I saw some of that little girl, too. I’d
had chances and opportunities. He obviously hadn’t. But I
didn’t think it would lead to this. To his marching into the
library this morning and taking me by the hand. His touch was unexpected
– soft, gentle and there was a kindness in his eyes as they
looked into mine. Then in one motion, he swept to the floor, his
long, black coat billowing out behind him. I heard gasps from all
around. He was on one knee, with a ring from a cracker in his hand
and the other still clasping mine.
I giggled. I couldn’t help it. I had dreamt of diamond rings,
not plastic pink ones. His eyes started to cloud over and there
was a tightness to his lips.
‘I want you to marry me,’ he said, his grip gaining
in strength.
|
‘No,’
I said, barely thinking about my words. ‘I don’t love
you. I don’t want to marry you.’
His head tipped back and his mouth gaped open. A scream shot out.
Then he hauled himself up, his hand releasing mine. His face flushed
red, then deathly white. I heard screams again, though they weren’t
from him this time. I looked round. Everyone was backing away.
‘Lesley! Run!’ someone shouted.
Then I saw the gun – too late. He leapt at me, grabbing my
arm and dragging me towards the staff room. Only Daniel was in there,
the head librarian. He saw me and started to smile. It swiftly slid
off his face when he saw the gun and who was holding it.
For a moment, I thought Daniel was going to run at him, to knock
him to the ground and grab the gun. I shook my head. What if it
didn’t happen that way? What if Daniel slipped and was killed?
I closed my eyes. I couldn’t bear it. So Daniel went free
and the door closed upon us.
There has been lots of noise and movement outside the door. Daniel
will have called the police. Staff will have been moved to safety.
All because of me. For a love that can never be. I can feel a tear
trickling down my cheek. I should hate the man in front of me. But
I can’t. I know how he feels. I know what it’s like
to love someone and not to have that love returned. To feel your
heart being torn in two when they ask someone else to dance with
them at the Christmas do. To look longingly at them each and every
day and to know that they barely see you.
‘It’s
him, isn’t it? That head library man.’
My head shoots up at his words, the first words he has uttered since
his proposal.
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