‘I'd
been going to the soup kitchen to get food. I couldn't afford to eat
because I spent all my money on drugs. There was a guy there... he
was one of life's good guys, you know? I liked him. He never judged
me. He didn't look at me like I was tonight's shag. He just talked
to me, accepted me for what I was. He didn't drink, didn't do drugs;
he'd never slept around. He was a do-gooder. Usually I despised them,
but there was something about him - he was so strong - and - and genuine,
I suppose.’
Max shivered. She was describing herself.
‘One night I went there to get away from someone I'd robbed.
They followed me. They watched as I sat drinking my soup with him,
talking. When I left, they followed me again; and so did he. When
they pulled a gun on me...’
Max nearly cried out. Her grip on his hand was hurting. Her eyes were
somewhere else, the expression in them dimmed.
‘When they pulled a gun on me, he took the bullet. He took the
bullet that was meant for me. They ran... but he died smiling at me.’
She lowered his hand on to the table, relaxing her grip. Absently,
she stroked his palm. |
‘It
does something to you, when someone dies in your place. Even if
that person's life is not good, I'm sure it does something to you.
But his life - his life was special. So now I pretend I died that
night, and I'm living his life instead of my own. When I come here
and love these people, I'm loving them in his place. When I'm helping
them, I'm helping them the way he would do if he were still alive.
Why should they suffer because that night, he died instead of me?"
Max licked his dry lips.
‘If I changed,’ he began, ‘if I changed, would
you - would you marry me?’
Even as he said it, he cringed. They were words he'd never wanted
to say. She looked at him with tears in her eyes.
‘Oh Max, it wouldn't work. You can't change yourself from
the outside. Change happens from inside. You'd get bored with me.
I'm not into the things you do, and you'd get bored with the things
I'm doing. I can't go back: I'm dead to all that.’
Max cleared his throat.
‘It happened. Things happen. You don't have to tie yourself
to a dead man's life just because |
